If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Oh god it's open bar.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
