So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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