I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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