you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
