Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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