I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
