u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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