two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
