And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
