Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
