I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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