I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
