seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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