There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
