I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
