A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
After last night, I could never be a politician.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just gift wrapped bread.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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