Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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