Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
this must be what syphilis tastes like
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i think my cat just said my name.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.