separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
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