Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
