I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
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He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
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You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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