hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
