he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
