Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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