im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
