so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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