I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this