I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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