Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
