I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
