His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
