My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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