and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
