2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
