Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
