Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
