she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
