i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
