why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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