one word: firstdatebathroomanal
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
