Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
