i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
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