im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
