Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
