I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
