I think I just saw someone hide a body.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Congratulations! We have a period
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