Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
