On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
