Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
