her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
