Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
