i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
