Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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