I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
