remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
