she told me i tasted like america
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
