I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
