Pants 0. Shit 1.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
