he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
