Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
