last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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