did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just cropdusted the office
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
