$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize