I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
