He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
