I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
