How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
